Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.