My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The USS B port
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.