I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!