her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.