ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
What a chick magnet..
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Otters see a butterfly.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume