[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.