Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Ok but actually
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
back to work
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like