[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
me linking you to my twitter
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.