*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
What my back needs
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.