Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
happy friday
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that