for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…