Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
You Might Also Like
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in