I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year