It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
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even bears disappoint their mothers
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Same pineapple, same
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
When the stylist spins you back around
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado