Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
A Short Story.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Match dot com, but for socks.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.