lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell