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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet