Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
We need to put an American base on the sun