Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*