Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
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No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I have a black belt in leather
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for