Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
You Might Also Like
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there