[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I鈥檒l be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Now that I鈥檓 in charge of Santa鈥檚 milk and cookies, it鈥檚 payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That鈥檚 unsettling
Me: Actually, it鈥檚 the exact opposite
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me: I鈥檒l see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That鈥檚 not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that鈥檚 a knife!
Husband: You鈥檙e starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Just when you think you鈥檙e getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
A dad and his duck
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!