You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
You Might Also Like
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
stand with me against insufficient seating
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Got ya covered
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?