Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Remember folks 😂
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake