Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Is….Is this an option?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card