How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT