I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”