Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
wish me luck lads
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?