5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”