My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.