just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
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if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Respect
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.