At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Autocorrect completely socks
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.