Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
every raccoon you see is currently on parole