People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
How I’d get arrested…
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Just why bro?!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.