Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
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Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Catercrombie & Fish
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.