Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……