Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Only a mother’s love …
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.