馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You鈥檙e wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn鈥檛 really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I鈥檓 in that magical stage of parenting where I don鈥檛 need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don鈥檛 have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I鈥檓 smart and funny鈥ow do I stay here???
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I鈥檓 embarrassed to live in a world that鈥檚 allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed