interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.