everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
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Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Britain be like
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.