I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
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This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Jesus Christ lmao
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The A string on my guit_r is flat
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.