In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
You Might Also Like
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
me working on my assignments ^-^
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
dam girl