My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
how was your vacation
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.