Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
You Might Also Like
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
One of the best
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long