Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
X-tra spooky blend