Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Never ghost your hitman.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light