Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Cinematography is my passion
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.