[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
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If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
set yourself free xox
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29