Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
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Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.