Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.